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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? ... Please say tomorrow
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.