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Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...