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I’m not drunk, I’m just exhausted from drinking all night.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn`t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
If you’re gonna keep being so attractive, I’m gonna need you to make out with me.
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.
I’m glad to know that we will never have to worry about a lack of weathermen. I mean, I know at least a couple dozen on Facebook.