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I don`t hate you. I just hope your next period happens while you`re in a shark tank!
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
If you`re going take a bathroom picture, at least clean it off. I can`t see anything through all the toothpaste.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
I`d hit that. - women drivers
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
A murderer was about to be put to death in the electric chair. "Do you have any last requests?" asked the chaplain. "One," he replied. "Will you hold my hand?"