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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Comcast is doing home security now so if your house is being robbed they will get the police there on Tuesday between the hours of 8 & 12.
If intelligent people don’t start having babies as fast as the trash in “honey boo boo”, we’re headed for a very dumb future. Am I the only one that sees this?!
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I don`t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."
One dog was admiring another dog`s leash, and said, "I admire your restraint."