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I`m not feeling myself today ... would you do it for me?
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
I`ll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
At least a stalker is there for you.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around