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I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
I think it`s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, you know you have small boobs
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
That awkward moment when you sing the wrong part of a song with confidence.
Don`t wait until you`re on your deathbed to tell people how you really feel because you could be too weak to raise your middle finger.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.