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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Awww, look. My middle finger likes you!
For some people, a new year means a new chance to f*ck it up all over again.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath