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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
I`m just chilling tonight with my new plane ... Oops, I`ve said too much.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
Why aren`t they called A$$teroids instead of hemorrhoids???
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
Overwhelming scientific evidence suggests a startling number of people are capable of ignoring overwhelming scientific evidence.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.