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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
Football Logic: Your team won: Celebrate with beers! Your team lost: Better drown my sorrows in some beer.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.