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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Can`t reach it. Don`t need it.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
my boss told me to start the presentation with a joke,so I showed my payslip.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.