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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
Party like you will never be invited to another!
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or complain. But it was a long time ago, and it was just for that one day.