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Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Here`s a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don`t be me.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
Be Poor... Its Cheaper :)
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...