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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How´d that work out for him?
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out