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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a lot more hard drive space.
I would watch NASCAR if it was more like Mario Kart.
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.