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Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.
My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
Tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
When I see a girl with too much makeup, I just want to use my finger to write "Wash Me" on her face.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.