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Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
I`m only a morning person on December 25th
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM