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You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
I`d go to church if they had Wi-Fi.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.