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When I was young I dreamed of saving the world, now I just dream of making through each month.
I hate it when people beg for likes, like if you agree?
One trenta cheeseburger please.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Hell Yes.
Life gave me onions ... Onionade sucks.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.