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I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."