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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
If your job title is head receiver, you know you`re doing something right.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking