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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
There is a 100% chance that I’ve called some of the most wonderful people in the world the most horrible things imaginable while in traffic.
How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.