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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
I always tell my kids that it`s ok to make mistakes as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming “honk” at people is just way more satisfying.