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I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
Apparently dyslexia is not a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
It`s a bird.. it`s a plane..no wait..it`s a blade of grass....
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
Love is like a Hot Pocket: If you rush into it, you`re bound to get burned