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Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
The ‘poke’ button on Facebook should be replaced with a ‘slap’ button.
Sarcasm and orgasm. Two things most people don`t get. Those who do are smiling right now.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70`s when Grease came out to notice that every "student" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
Despite its name, Gatorade is pretty much fatal to alligators. I’m not allowed to volunteer at the zoo anymore.