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The pill is the second best thing women can put in their mouths to prevent pregnancy.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.