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I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all.
There`s no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.