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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
Tattoos are an expensive and painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification.
Just once I want someone to make a movie that’s sideways on the screen so I can watch it laying down without getting a kink in my neck.
Home alone… Time to teach the neighbors what good music sounds like!
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!
Forgotten pocket money is the best!