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I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I hit a new low today and used a cheat code on Wii Fit
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus and a recovery room where they have clear print.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
Blacking out when you’re drunk is god’s way of telling you that it’s none of your business what you do when you’re drunk.
In the spirit of spring cleaning and Easter, I`m keeping the dust bunnies as decorations.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
Teacher: Have a seat! Student: Thanks! *picks up the chair and leaves* -- (°_°)
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.