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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
I have something on my mind but I am not telling you, Facebook.
People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I miss being able to use the excuse "I wasn`t home when you called."
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall (he also had a pretty good summer too).
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list