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Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
One of the first things they tell you in AA is to stop hanging around alcoholics. So I listened, and never went back.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
DO NOT LIKE THIS… Unless you’re a sexy beast.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn`t mean I`m stalking you...It just means you haven`t looked nice in awhile
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
It`s only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" become a hit reality show.
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day