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Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.