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Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I don`t know why people say "your guess is as good as mine"? ..because my guesses are always better. ;)
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.