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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
My name is Fred and I`m a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
Wanna have a little fun? Post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!
The moment you empty your vacuum cleaner is the moment you become a vacuum cleaner.