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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Top uses for Golf Balls: 1. Describing hail storms 2. Describing tumors 3. Playing golf
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
I really have important work to get done, but I really just want to sit here and complete a quiz on what percentage redneck I am..
I go both ways. I like hard AND soft tacos.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.