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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
A sofa is a vacation for your a$$...
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
Was that lightning? ... No, they`re taking pictures for Google Earth.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.