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" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Today I am thankful that I don`t post what I am thankful for on Facebook, every day in November. Or ever.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?