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We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?