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I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer, but you can`t take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
The hardest part about having a vivid imagination is finding enough things to climb on to avoid all the frickin’ lava on the floor!
Instead of `What`s on your mind?` Facebook should say `Just relax on the couch and tell me all about your problems. Don`t worry, nobody will know`..
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.