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I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!