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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
I don`t always have awkward moments, but when I do I make sure I write them on Facebook so my friends know how awkward they were.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.