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Women are like bacon: They look good, They smell good, They taste good, And they will kill you slowly.
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Comment if you think I`m normal... Like this if you think I`m crazy... Copy this if you know your crazy too! And if your me... OMG TURKEY SQUIRREL! :)
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Bartenders are basically professionals that we hire to poison us very slowly in creative ways.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.