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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Soup of the day: Beer
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket .. I´d miss you alot and think of you often.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.