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At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
"There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU." Things I say to my kids when we`re in public.
You know what I hate? People who answer their own questions.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy`s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
To help reduce cost, this status was typed in china.
I was named after my father. I don`t really like the name "Dad" though.