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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
A wise man once told me `Never sleep with your a$$ itching.. You`ll wake up with smelly fingers`
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.