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"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When i quized him on it, he reckoned he could stop aaaany time . . . .
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Think of a number between 0 and 20. Add 40 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 3. Now close your eyes.... It`s dark isn`t it.
I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
Life`s short ... Drink fast
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson