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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
I`m so scattered I don`t know whether I found this rope or lost my horse.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
Why is it called a "personal trainer", instead of an "exercist"?
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters