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Who the hell is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Reasons to date me: I laugh at my own jokes so you don`t have to.
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective