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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
" a fool and his money ----- are never around when you need a loan......"
I look forward to the day that cell phone technology finally catches up with technology in digital watches and they release a model that is water resistant up to 100 meters.
The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
I really worry about which selfie my family would put on the news if I ever went missing.
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.