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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
Warning: I just get weirder.
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
I`m so hungry I could eat without looking down at my phone.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.