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I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Fun Fact: Over 97.8% of men have already made mistakes this year that a woman will remind him about for the rest of his days.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?