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You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
Yoga is a great way to meet and embarrass yourself in front of women
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.