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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Relationships should come with an icon that shows you how much time you have left like your phone’s battery.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.