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How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Relax… We’re all crazy.. It’s not a competition.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Why do people ask "What were you thinking?" Obviouly, I thought I was going to get away with it!
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
I live for those really small but special moments in life, like when I see the waiter bringing my food to the table.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.