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Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
If I share something clever and witty on Facebook, don’t try and out clever me with your comment. I don’t come over and blow out your candles on your cake.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
So long pants! See you Monday!
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."