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I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
It’s only a matter of time until “Security Cameras of Wal-Mart” is a reality TV show.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
OMG!!!!! I almost went to the toilet without my phone!
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes off 9 minutes of your life.. According to my calculations i should have died in 1732.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.