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Most problems can be solved with nudity
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Dear Fork, I understand that we haven`t spoken since I ran away with dish, but I thought you should know that you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon
I don`t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.