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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
Anybody have plans to stare at their phone somewhere exciting this weekend?
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.