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There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Remember, you can always run from your problems. Unless your problem is a Cheetah.....then you`re screwed!
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
Time to walk the cow and milk the dog, Happy Hump Day!
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!