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Iām going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Life is so much funnier if you have a dirty mind
Not all guys just want s@x... I want sandwiches too.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
I`m a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off a bunch of sh!t all at the same time.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.