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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!