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If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
I sometimes get road rage just pushing a shopping cart though a grocery store!