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Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
I’m late for a disappointment.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
Safe words are for quitters.
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.