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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?