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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
I just "borrowed" my neighbors nissan frontier, they make that trick look easier on the commercial