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My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
Nice try, self-checkout lane. There`s not even any mirrors.
Robots can do anything we set their mind to
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.