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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics...So glad I found you all.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
"I know im the best driver on the road" thinks every guy.
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?