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Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Today please just pretend I wrote something hilarious, click like, and move on down the news feed.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.