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What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
When it comes to tantrums, I throw like a girl.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.