Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Taking selfies is a lot of work when you’re not attractive.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
The boss said I should let my creative juices flow. What he doesn’t know is that my creative juices are vodka and cranberry.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.