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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
I`d like to thank the bars for being there for me.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
I feel like people who don`t have at least one bottle of expired salad dressing in the fridge, really have their lives together.