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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list