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Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"