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Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
We`re all here because we`re not all there...
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
I just broke my record for most days lived.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.