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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
When the kids come home from school they close the door then almost immediately open another door..... The one to the fridge!!!!