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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I stop at random Jehovah`s Witness houses and drop off copies of Rolling Stone.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
i didn`t know i had a facebook account until now