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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day Iām just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
Horse racing is like NASCAR only slower and with poop.
Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn`t for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."