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Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
I automatically classify anything over $5 as expensive.
Being an adult is a lot like going to the vet. We`re all excited for the ride until we realize what it`s like where we`re going.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
Iām dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.