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My wife just made a "special" dinner "just for me" for no apparent reason. I`m going to die, right ?
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.
I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
If you have a Selfie Stick Pro, go back two spaces.