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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won`t blow her up until tomorrow. I don`t want to seem desperate.
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Little to no thought was put into this status.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
received a call saying that my son had been lying in school, and was being expelled. I don´t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
I`m sorry. Putting up with your sh!t isn`t on my To-Do list today.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.