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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
Everyone has their area of expert knowledge.... if any of you need tips on how to do absolutely nothing amazingly well, let me know.
My kids don`t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays
In today`s world, the key to success is to delete your Whatsapp account!
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child who can`t take care of himself.
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling