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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I was told there would be kool-aid.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
POLITICS; from `poly` meaning `many and `Tics` meaning blood-sucking creatures. Just sayin`
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.