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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
what does bgif mean on a friday night ? ... boobs go in front
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Those raccoons must of had one heck of a party last night!!!! That`s the 4th one I`ve seen passed out on this road
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
The problem with reality is that there’s no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(