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Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
People say there are plenty of fish in the sea, well that is nice and all but I’m human, I don’t date fish.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
We have GPS that can navigate you across the country. Why can`t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
If someone says "I`m a sub-par golfer" does that mean they`re good at golf, or bad?
Don`t talk to me like I`m stupid until you know for sure.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I named my dog "5 Miles" so I can tell people, "I walk 5 Miles every day"
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
We`re all just nudists in disguise...