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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
I`m 28 years old, but in marriage years, I`m dead on the inside.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
Safe words are for quitters.
Jesus said to love your neighbour like you love yourself. Thats a nice saying but if Martin from next door thinks he`s getting a handjob he can f*ck off!
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.