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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."