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Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
i hate that the sun comes up so early
If you can`t say something nice about someone, you probably know the same people I do.