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No, I didn`t say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Gravity is a real downer.
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. – The Opportunist
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.