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I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
If a girl can kick your a$$ at video games, she’s a keeper.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
You would never know I had a college degree if you saw how many times I tried to push when it says pull.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
Wow, I just melted a piece of ice by staring at it. Took a little longer than I thought it would.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Other times we just snuggle.
If you try to pronounce “lmao” you sound like a french cat.
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.