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I lose all respect for myself when I bite my own tongue. I`ve been chewing for decades, how did I manage to f*ck that up?
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I`m sorry but sh!ts and giggles don`t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D