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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.