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Hey parents with teenagers, the bottle of vodka in your liquor cabinet is water.
The word bed looks like a bed.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
“The darndest things.” -kids
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.