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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
My cat probably thinks I`m cleaning my ice cream...
I’ve been waiting for this moment ever since I got up… goodnight!
You have a point. It`s just not very sharp
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Think about the nicest thing anyone`s ever said about you. Not really true, right?
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Neighbor said hi again. I`m just gonna move
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.