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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
Note to Denver Broncos: Marijuana is NOT a performance enhancing drug!
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with "Go away."
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
If tit for tat doesn`t mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I`ve been doing it wrong this whole time.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.
One of the saddest days of my life was when I heard that bears sleep for half the year and I realized I had been born the wrong species