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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
You know it`s way past your bed time when the 1-800-dial-a-hoe commercials come on.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my mind and my temper
I don`t get in trouble, I just get into questionable situations.