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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
I’ve already decided, if I ever go to The Price Is Right, I’m gonna “come on down” whether they call my name or not.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective