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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session