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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
I`m old enough to remember when cell phones actually got smaller every year.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
I told you a million times do not exaggerate!
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.