Daily Silly Status

I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.

Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.

Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix

If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.

Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.

I never thought I’d be the kind of person who’d wake up early in the morning to exercise... and I was right.

Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.

Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married

I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!

My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.

First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.

If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.

When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"

I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...

You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”