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I’m having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it’s mostly grapes actually. Okay, all grapes. Fermented grapes. Ok, I’m having wine for dinner.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.
Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.
My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
The Kids today just don`t appreciate the colors and flavors of Dial soap like I do
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
You`re really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...