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Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.