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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
When a cashier asks if you have a rewards card, look down, sigh, and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Sorry, I was not paying attention. I was thinking about having sex with you.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
It`s been rough today, right now I`m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.