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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
All my life I`ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"