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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.