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I propose we change the names of the upper case P and lower case p to "P standing up" and "p sitting down."
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Missed connection: I was a 15 year old boy, you were 1984 Madonna.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
Divorce... The most common home improvement project.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.