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What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I`d like to be poor for a day, because being poor everyday gets to be real annoying after awhile.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Very little scares me. So does very big.