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We can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I`m still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.