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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I could never cheat in a relationship, That requires 2 women to find me attractive.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.