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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
My minivan is always rocking, but it`s usually because I`m trying to smack one of the kids in the backseat while I drive.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
I`m first world poor. That means I have a smart phone and laptop that I use to go online and see that I have no money in my bank account.
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
I’ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn’t need my assistance, so I’m going back to bed.
Dentists need cooler sh!t on their ceilings.
Why can`t Mosquitos suck Fat instead of Blood!
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I have no super powers. I`m guessing I`m the villain.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Going to Colorado this weekend to go ... "Hiking"