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I like the part of the day when food happens.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Just once Iād like to learn something the easy way.
"Iām not drunk!ā is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
Why do the 5 seconds I have to wait before I can "skip ad" last 30 seconds?
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.
Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?