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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
I`m constantly bombarded with requests to check out `Candy Crush`… well I`ve spent hours searching the porn networks… I can`t bloody find her!
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.