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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
I hate crickets in my house.....except for the one I just killed. He seems ok.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.