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Ever since I heard that women have one breast bigger than the other, it`s given me another reason to stare.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
If I’m not eating I’m most likely not happy.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.