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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes...
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk