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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to them.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells "CODE RED, CODE RED" really loud then people scurry like mad.