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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Do bees even have knees?
pudding... thats always a funny word
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
And all this time I thought a chickpea was when women went to the bathroom in groups.
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.