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People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
You`re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.