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I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
It’s fun to pull someone’s leg… but don’t ever pull their finger.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Some people have to learn lessons the hard way. Like with a bat. A bat is hard.
My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.