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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.