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Dear guys: Women don`t want pictures of your d!ck. Maybe try sending a screenshot of your bank statement and see where things go.
If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Welcome to journalism, where everything is made up, and the sources don`t matter.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
I believe in love at first sight or as science calls it, "boners."
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.