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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
My 2017 resolution is to stop thinking so much about the future.
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
Give a man a fish & he`ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.