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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Is it hibernation time yet? Because I am 100% into that.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: "Vodka martini, please."
Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
The art of taking a self pic fast enough that no one sees you. The Stealthfie.
The longest five seconds in anyone’s life is waiting to press the “Skip Ad” button on YouTube.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
Yea, there is no "I" in team... but there sure is "ME".
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.