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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Step One: Always have a solid alibi.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
Just watched The Grey. The wolves left half the Mexican .. to spicy??
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
Me? Stalk? No, I just observe... behind a tree... at night…in the rain.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!