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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
says, I am not an alcoholic. I am a social drinker. Problem is, I socialize too much!
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Cheetos so my fingers don`t get orange..... P.S. No weirdos.
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really really fast :)
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools