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Don`t ask me for advice, my answer is always get them drunk.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."