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Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.